ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Crowing of rooster ]
[ Whinnying of horses ]
[ ?????? ]
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
?? AND YOU CAN BE MY COWGIRL ??
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
?? AND YOU CAN BE MY COWGIRL ??
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
[ ?????? ]
PARDON ME, BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE A QUARTERBACK?
NO, WHY?
'CAUSE YOU INTER- CEPTED ME LIKE I WAS A FOOTBALL.
WHEN I SEE WHAT I WANT, I GRAB IT
AND I RUN WITH IT.
OH, AND YOU WANT ME?
THERE'S NO ONE ELSE IN THE ROOM, BEAUTIFUL.
COME ON, LET'S GO INTO THE BACK ROOM,
AND EXCHANGE NUMBERS.
WAIT, I... I CAN'T.
I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I AM TOO. SO?
SO WE DON'T FOOL AROUND.
HOW LONG YOU TWO BEEN TOGETHER?
ALMOST FIVE MONTHS.
WAIT A FEW MORE...
YOU WILL.
[ ?????? ]
MAKING OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING SO JUVENILE?
OH, I GUESS YOU'RE TOO MATURE FOR THAT,
NOW THAT YOU'RE A COLLEGE MAN.
WHO'S A COLLEGE MAN?
LITTLE JUSTIN'S BEEN ACCEPTED TO DARTMOUTH.
OH! AN IVY LEAGUER.
MUMSY AND DADDY MUST BE SO PROUD.
I DECIDED NOT TO GO.
SINCE WHEN?
SINCE I REALIZED THAT I COULD NEVER
BE A BUSINESS MAJOR. I DECIDED I WANT TO GO
TO THE PITTSBURGH INSTITUTE OF FINE ART.
LA-DEE-DAH.
IF I CAN GET IN.
AND HERE I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY RID OF YOU.
A-HA!
NOT UNTIL I SAY SO.
[ Laughing ] OOH!
I CAN JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOUR PARENTS WILL SAY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT MY PARENTS SAY.
I GOT TO DO WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE DISCIPLE OF BRIAN.
HEY, UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO, UH, HUNK-A-LICIOUS?
HE TRIED TO DRAG ME INTO THE BACK ROOM.
[ Gasping ] THE NERVE!
TREATING YOU LIKE YOU WERE A PIECE OF MEAT.
GAVE ME A HARD-ON. LIKEWISE.
I TOLD HIM I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP,
AND HE GOES... "SO WHAT."
LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN MATTER.
IN HERE IT DOESN'T.
YOU SHOULD DO HIM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "DO HIM?"
I'LL GET YOU AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL.
DAVID WOULD KILL ME.
DAVID DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW. Emmett: YEAH!
AS IF YOU'D EVEN BE TEMPTED,
WITH DR. DREAMBOAT IN YOUR BED.
I'M NOT.
JESUS, LOOK WHO IT IS.
[ ?????? ]
?? I'M ADDICTED TO YOU I'M ADDICTED TO YOU... ??
[ ?????? ]
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.
Emmett: YEAH.
ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END.
[ Sigh ] HE'S STILL CUTE.
YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ALL THE BOYS
WHO PUT YOU IN A COMA.
HEY!
[ ?????? ]
HEY, YOU!
OH, SHIT.
[ ?????? ]
HEY, HOW'RE YOU DOING?
FINE, THANKS.
Blake: IT IS... GREAT TO SEE YOU.
YOU... ARE SO SEXY.
YEAH, I BELIEVE YOU'VE USED THAT LINE ON ME BEFORE.
YOU WANNA DANCE?
NO, THANKS.
WHO IS HE?
EMMETT...
THIS IS BLAKE.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
WANT SOME GUM?
IT'S HOT IN HERE.
YOU HOT?
Emmett: WE'RE FINE, THANKS.
COME ON, DANCE WITH ME.
I SAID, "NO THANKS."
OR, RATHER EMMETT DID.
[ ?????? ]
I'LL SEE YOU LATER?
THAT IS ONE TWEAKED-OUT TWINKIE.
YOU THINK?
HOLLOW EYES, 22-INCH WAIST,
INABILITY TO HOLD A CONVERSATION?
HE'S EITHER A TOTAL CRYSTAL QUEEN,
OR A SUPERMODEL.
COME ON.
I'M LEAVING. WHERE'RE YOU GOING?
HOME TO SAY MY PRAYERS.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE GOING HOME TO SEE YOUR HUBBY?
HE'S GOING TO SOME BORING BUSINESS DINNER.
HOLD ON A SEC, I'LL COME WITH YOU.
NOT TONIGHT.
WHERE'S HE GOING?
[ ?????? ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
Man: BRIAN!
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL?
I WAS READING GORKY
AND I GOT A TASTE FOR THE LOWER DEPTHS.
YEAH, YOU SEE ANYTHING, UH, INTERESTING?
THE TALL REDHEAD IN 27 WITH THE BLACK LEATHER DILDO.
OH, HIM. YEAH.
HE'S DEFINITELY A POSSIBILITY, FOR LATER.
OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL MARK-DOWNS.
YEAH, WELL IF YOU GET INTO ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW, GIVE ME A HOLLER.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO STICK A FINGER IN YOUR ASS
OR SUCK ON YOUR BALLS
WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING HIM.
YOU'RE A REAL PAL, MARTY.
[ ?????? ]
OH, CHRIST!
BLAKE.
BLAKE!
HEY, COME ON. BLAKE.
BLAKE!
BLAKE? COME ON, WAKE UP.
OH, SHIT. GET OUT OF THE WAY!
DICK.
BLAKE, COME ON, WAKE UP.
BLAKE.
CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A HAND HERE?
THANKS A LOT.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME?
FUCK ALL OF YOU!
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU GOT ME HORNY IN THE MORNING ??
?? AND YOU KNOW-OH-OH ??
?? I TRIED TO CALL YOU ??
?? BUT I CAN'T FIND THE TELEPHONE ??
?? I SENT A MESSAGE THROUGH THE INTERNET ??
?? BUT YOU REJECT IT ??
?? I WROTE A LETTER AND I SENT I THROUGH THE PO-O-ST ??
?? THE POSTAGE TAKES SO LONG ??
?? SO I'VE GOT TO SING A SONG ??
?? TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ??
?? WHAT'S THE DEAL, BABY ??
?? AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU ??
?? AND THE THINGS YOU MAKE ME DO ??
?? MY HEART IS RINGING ??
?? SO I'M SINGING THIS SONG FOR YOU ??
?? I'M HORNY HORNY, HORNY, HORNY... ??
[ Groaning ]
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR TOWEL,
AND STAY AWHILE?
I DON'T FUCK.
[ Panting ]
DAVID.
WHAT'S UP, DOC?
[ ?????? ]
ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S ON?
CRYSTAL METH.
I CAN TELL.
WELL, WE'VE GOT HIM ON AN I.V.
WE'LL KEEP HIM HERE OVERNIGHT.
HE SHOULD BE OKAY TO GO HOME TOMORROW.
THANKS, DOCTOR.
OKAY, NURSE NIGHTINGALE,
YOU'VE DONE YOUR GOOD DEED.
IT'LL MAKE FOR A HEART-WARMING EPISODE OF...
SOMETHING.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM.
LIKE THE WAY HE LEFT YOU?
WELL WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIM?
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS LAST NAME.
FINE.
STAY ALL NIGHT. I'M GOING.
[ Chatter of TV ]
HEY, YOU'RE HOME.
YEAH. WHEN'D YOU GET IN?
UH, A LITTLE WHILE AGO.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DINNER, WAS IT FUN?
IT WAS ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT YOU? HOW WAS BABYLON?
IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
SEE ANY CUTE GUYS?
WELL, YOU KNOW, NONE THAT INTERESTED ME.
YOU WANT SOME, UH, MILK AND OREOS?
MICHAEL...
Michael: [ Mumbling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Hollering ] JUSTIN!
COMING.
CHRIST, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME CALLING YOU
FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?
I KNOW YOU THINK 'CAUSE I'M YOUNG
I CAN JUST TUMBLE OUT OF BED
AND LOOK LIKE THIS.
Vic: WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT.
I TUMBLE OUT OF BED AND LOOK LIKE THIS.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE WRONG.
EVEN AT MY AGE, IT TAKES TIME AND PREPARATION.
YEAH, WELL AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING,
PARTYING, AND STAYING UP TILL 3:00 O'CLOCK
EVERYMORNING, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A FACE LIFT
BEFORE YOU GRADUATE.
AH, THIS CAME FOR YOU.
FROM THE PITTSBURGH INSTITUTE OF FINE ARTS.
OH?
WELL AREN'T YOU GOING TO OPEN IT?
[ Sighing ] I CAN'T.
GIVE IT TO ME.
WELL?
CONGRATULATIONS, PICASSO.
WHOOO!
YES! YES!
[ Joyful laughter ]
[ Beeping of monitor ]
[ Gasping ]
HEY.
[ Laboured breathing ]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SORRY.
I FIND MYSELF SITTING IN A HOSPITAL ROOM
NEXT TO AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON... SEEMED LIKE THE THING TO DO.
[ Gasping/panting ]
HOSPITAL? HOSPITAL?
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO ME?
AM I ALL RIGHT?
YOU PASSED OUT AT BABYLON. I DID?
I FOUND YOU LAYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
DOCTOR SAID YOU WERE DEHYDRATED AND...
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE WAS REALLY HIGH.
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?
SINCE LAST NIGHT.
[ Panting ]
UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME WATER?
NO, DON'T GO.
DON'T...
PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST CALM DOWN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CANDY?
CANDY?
LIFESAVERS?
[ Crunching ]
M-M-MAYBE I SHOULD GO GET THE NURSE.
THAT'S OKAY.
DID YOU STAY HERE THIS WHOLE TIME?
YEAH. WELL, AROUND 6:00 I WENT BACK TO MY PLACE
TO PICK UP SOME CLEAN CLOTHES FOR YOU.
YOURS WERE...
PRETTY DISGUSTING.
SO THE DOCTOR SAID YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO HOME LATER.
WHAT HOME?
I WAS EVICTED LAST MONTH.
WELL, WHERE'VE YOU BEEN STAYING.
WITH SOME FRIENDS.
OH, THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD.
SO... THEY CAN LOOK AFTER YOU.
THEY'RE NOT THOSE KIND OF FRIENDS.
YOU MUST THINK I'M SO STUPID.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE STUPID.
I JUST...
THINK YOU'RE THIS REALLY...
SWEET GUY WHO...
HAS SOME PROBLEMS AND NEEDS SOME HELP.
[ Sobbing ] I'M GONNA STOP. I AM.
I'M GOING TO STOP.
[ Crying ] [ Sighing ]
SHH.
HE CAME HOME FROM DINNER SO TURNED ON
WE WENT AT IT ALL NIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED HE STILL HAD THE STRENGTH.
AT HIS AGE.
YOU SHOULD ONLY BE IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE "AT HIS AGE".
YOU SHOULD ONLY BE ALIVE "AT HIS AGE".
SO, I WONDER WHY HE WAS SO TURNED ON?
BECAUSE I'M IRRESISTIBLE.
Emmett: BECAUSE THEY'RE IN LOVE.
AND UNLIKE YOU,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO PROWL AROUND THE BATHS.
THEY FIND EVERY- THING THEY NEED
RIGHT AT HOME.
SO HOW WAS IT? YOU SEE ANYBODY CUTE?
NOT ESPECIALLY.
[ Mumbling ]
LAST TIME I WAS AT THE BATHS,
OF COURSE THIS WAS YEARS AGO...
Brian and Michael: OF COURSE.
I WAS, UH, I WAS IN L.A. VISITING MY FRIEND SHELLY.
UH, BUT ANYWAY...
UH, THERE WAS THIS CUBICLE AT THE END OF THE HALL
AND THE DOOR WAS OPEN,
SO, UH... SO I GO IN.
AND AT FIRST I CAN'T REALLY SEE ANYTHING
UH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S DARK, AND I DON'T HAVE MY CONTACTS IN.
[ Snort ] ANYWAY, THERE'S THIS GUY
LYING THERE ON HIS STOMACH
WITH HIS BUTT UP IN THE AIR
JUST SCREAMING, "FUCK ME! FUCK ME!"
SO I DID. AND, UH,
AFTERWARDS, I, UH...
I GOT A GLIMPSE OF HIS FACE...
IT WAS... [ Whispering ]
NO SHIT!
YOU FUCKED... [ Grunt ]
SO SHE REALLY IS HIS BEARD?
THEY DON'T CALL HER "WHISKERS" FOR NOTHING.
[ Meowing ]
HEY, GUYS.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD KIND OF A BUSY MORNING.
Michael: OO-OH!
DON'T TELL ME
YOU SAT UP ALL NIGHT WITH HIM.
WHO?
THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
LOOK, YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW UPSETTING IT IS,
TO WAKE UP IN A HOSPITAL ROOM.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
YEAH, THANKS TO HIM.
O-OKAY, SO, SO IT'S OVER, RIGHT?
YOU... YOU'VE DONE ALL YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T TAKE THAT TWEAKED-OUT TRAMP HOME.
INSTITUTE OF FINE ARTS? OHH...
I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D APPLIED.
I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU UNTIL I KNEW.
THEY HAD OVER 2,000 APPLICATIONS,
ONLY 70 OPENINGS AND I GOT IN.
I ALWAYS TOLD YOU YOU WERE GIFTED, DIDN'T I?
[ Giggle ]
BUT WHAT ABOUT DARTMOUTH?
OH, I'LL JUST WRITE THEM AND TELL THEM I'M NOT GOING.
JUSTIN, YOUR DAD'S EXPECTING YOU TO GO.
BECAUSE HE WENT THERE?
OH, SWEETHEART...
I-I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BE AN ARTIST.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE A LIVING?
YEAH.
IT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO.
IT'S WHAT I'VE AL- WAYS WANTED TO DO.
[ Approaching of car ] [ Stopping of engine ]
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME CONVINCING HIM.
I WAS HOPING THAT YOU COULD HELP.
WILL YOU?
Woman: HI, JENNIFER.
OH, SUE!
HI.
UM...
UH, THIS IS MY SON, JUSTIN. JUSTIN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO RIGHT ON IN?
I-I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
OH, TAKE YOUR TIME, I'LL JUST WANDER THROUGH.
WHO... WHO'S SHE?
SHE'S A REALTOR.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
UM...
I'VE ASKED HER TO LIST THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE SELLING THE HOUSE?
[ Sighing ]
JUSTIN, UM...
YOUR DAD AND I...
YOUR DAD AND I FEEL THAT WE, UH...
WE NO LONGER...
WE NO LONGER, AH...
WHAT?
OH... WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY HOW HOT YOU LOOK?
ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE.
UM, BUT IT ALWAYS BEARS REPEATING.
YOU ARE SO HOT.
HOWDY, BOYS.
OH, I... I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.
'COURSE YOU DO.
BUT DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
WELL, ACTUALLY...
SODA WATER. LEMON. NO ICE.
YOU KNOW, AFTER ANY STRENUOUS PHYSICAL EXERTION
WHAT YOU NEED IS PLENTY OF FLUIDS.
THANKS FOR THE HEALTH TIP. ANYTIME.
SPEAKING OF EXERTION,
MICHAEL TELLS ME YOU TWO HAD QUITE A NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
OH, JESUS, BRIAN! THAT'S OKAY.
MATTER OF FACT, WE DID.
SO DID I.
WELL, I DON'T THINK DAVID
WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR TRIP TO...
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T APPROVE.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO LATELY, DOC?
NO MUCH, THE USUAL.
HMM, HMM.
MICHAEL TELLS ME YOU HAD DINNER WITH SOME CLIENT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TALK ABOUT BORING.
ALTHOUGH, I HAD THIS ONE CLIENT,
M... MICHAEL TELL YOU THIS STORY?
MEAT AND POTATOES, WIFE AND KIDS,
TURNED OUT HE WAS GAY.
AND NOT ONLY WAS HE GAY, HE WANTED TO FUCK ME.
IMAGINE THAT. YEAH.
WHAT CAN I SAY? THERE'S A LOT OF DUPLICITOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
Debbie: HERE'S YOUR WATER, BRIAN.
CHEERS.
GOD, I HATE THE COLD.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FIGURED I COULD...
ONE DAY LIVE IN SOME PLACE THAT'S WARM,
LIKE LA JOLLA, SANTA BARBARA.
ONE OF THOSE PICTURE POST- CARD PLACES.
YOU KNOW, BUSINESS WOULD BE GOOD THERE TOO.
BUT I'M STILL HERE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE DECEIV- ING YOURSELF.
THINKING YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON'T.
I WANT MICHAEL.
I LOVE MICHAEL.
WHAT YOU SAW LAST NIGHT
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME, DOC.
I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE QUEER P.C. PATROL.
IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BATHHOUSE,
AND GET YOUR ROCKS OFF, I SAY DO IT.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HURT HIM.
I DON'T INTEND TO.
DO YOU?
ANYBODY WANT A BITE?
[ Clatter of dishes ]
YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE UP.
YOU FEELING BETTER?
YEAH, ACTUALLY, UH...
GREAT.
YOU COOK.
OH, YEAH.
BOTH MY PARENTS WORKED AND...
I WAS THE OLDEST OF SEVEN KIDS.
SEVEN!
SO I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A...
CHICKEN STRETCH.
WOW.
CANDLES AND EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
[ Beeping of timer ]
POTATOES ARE DONE.
HEY, YOU WANT TO PUT ON SOME MUSIC?
[ Opera ?????? ]
THAT'S NICE.
WHAT IS IT?
"LA TRAVIATA".
DO YOU KNOW IT?
NOT REALLY.
IT'S AN OPERA.
I FIGURED THAT MUCH.
IT'S ABOUT THIS WOMAN, VIOLETTA.
SHE'S A COURTESAN.
A WHAT?
A SLUT, BASICALLY.
AND SHE LIKES TO GO TO PARTIES A LOT.
I KNOW THE TYPE.
SO WHAT'S SHE SINGING ABOUT?
WELL, SHE'S JUST MET
THIS REALLY SWEET GUY NAMED ALFREDO,
AND, UH, HE KIND OF HAS A THING FOR HER.
SHE'S WONDERING WHETHER SHE CAN GIVE UP HER LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
TO BE WITH HIM.
DOES SHE?
SHE GIVES IT A SHOT.
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Pouring of water ]
Blake's voice: IT'S GHB. YOU EVER USE IT?
IT'S JUST WATER.
[ Opera ?????? ]
UH, THIS, UH, DINNER...
IS SORT OF A...
THANK-YOU.
FOR BEING SO NICE TO ME.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
YEAH, I DID.
ACTUALLY, I WISH THERE WAS MORE I... COULD DO.
[ Opera ?????? ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, WE DIDN'T GET VERY FAR
THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE.
YEAH, I KIND OF CHECKED OUT IN THE MIDDLE.
I FIGURE WE COULD JUST...
PICK UP FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
[ Opera ?????? ]
Both: [ Giggling ]
[ Yelping ] [ Giggling ]
BEHIND YOU. 'KAY. OOH, OOH.
IT HAS TO BE A SURPRISE. OKAY.
[ Inaudible whispers ]
[ Whispering ] ONE, TWO, THREE.
Melanie & Lindsay: TA-DA!
OH... FOR ME?
YES, FOR YOU. WHO ELSE?
CHEERS.
WELL GO ON, OPEN IT.
Lindsay: IT'S FOR GETTING INTO THE I.F.A.
Melanie: I-IT'S WHAT ALL THE GREAT ARTISTS USE.
LINDSAY KNOWS THESE THINGS.
HE'S SO SURPRISED, HE'S SPEECHLESS.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO GET INTO
COMPUTER GRAPHICS AND ANIMATION,
BUT FIRST YEAR YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STUDY
ALL THE TRADITIONAL TECHNIQUES
STILL LIFE, LIFE CLASS, COMPOSITION.
BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU EVENTUALLY DO,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE SOLID, CLASSICAL TRAINING.
Melanie: I MEAN, EVEN PICASSO
KNEW HOW TO DRAW PEOPLE WITH THEIR EYES IN THE...
IN THE RIGHT PLACE. UH, NO...
THANK YOU, GUYS. IT IS SO NICE.
BUT I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO DARTMOUTH.
ENJOYING YOUR BOOK?
YEAH, UH, IT'S A REAL PAGE-TURNER.
WELL THEN, HOW COME YOU'RE ON THE SAME PAGE
YOU WERE ON AN HOUR AGO?
I, UH... GUESS YOU CAUGHT ME.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE EASY TO CATCH.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GO TO THE TELL-TALE SIGNS,
YOU KNOW, THROWING IN A LOT OF "UHS" WHEN YOU TALK
TO GIVE YOU TIME TO THINK OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT,
AND COVERING YOUR MOUTH.
UH, OBSERVANT. HUH!
[ Deep sigh ]
I, UH, MICHAEL, I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH.
[ Laughing ] IT'S NO BIG DEAL,
YOU'LL FINISH YOUR BOOK.
NO, NO. ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
WELL, HONEY, WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULD COME A FOURTH TIME,
I KNEW YOU WERE LYING.
WHEN I SAID I HAD A BUSINESS DINNER,
I DIDN'T HAVE A BUSINESS DINNER.
I WENT TO THE BATHS.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
MOSTLY... WALKING AROUND.
LOOK, IT'S NOT SOMETHING I DO A LOT, MICHAEL.
AH... IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
THAT I'VE BEEN THERE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW. WHAT,
THAT YOU'RE FUCKING AROUND? I DON'T FUCK.
AND THEN YOU COME BACK HERE AND YOU FUCK ME?
IF YOU GAVE ME ANYTHING...
NO, I SAID I DON'T FUCK!
MOSTLY I JUST JERK OFF. HUH.
"MOSTLY".
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. AREN'T I ENOUGH FOR YOU?
YES, OF COURSE YOU ARE, MICHAEL.
WELL THEN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS IT'S A THRILL. I-I...
I WANT THE GUYS TO...
TO THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE. I...
I DON'T KNOW, SOME- TIMES I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAVE TO BE...
OFF ON MY OWN.
YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.
IT'S THE TRUTH, MICHAEL.
FUCK YOUR TRUTH AND FUCK YOU!
Ted: WELL, WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN
HE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
MEN, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
EXCEPT FOR YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU ARE A SAINT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A SAINT.
I WANT TO BE A RUTHLESS, HEARTLESS SHIT
WHO FUCKS WHOEVER HE WANTS, WITHOUT CONSCIENCE OR REMORSE.
I'M SORRY, THAT POSITION'S ALREADY BEEN FILLED.
FOR ONCE I WASN'T REFERRING TO YOU.
I WAS TALKING ABOUT DAVID.
Emmett: I SAY,
CUT HIM LOOSE.
BASTARD.
SHOW HIM YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
THAT HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
AND WHO DOES MICHAEL DESERVE?
SOMEONE WHO WILL CHERISH HIM.
WHO WILL, UH, BE FAITHFUL.
SOMEONE FOR WHOM HE WILL BE THE SUN
AND THE MOON AND THE STARS.
WHAT FUCKING BETTE DAVIS MOVIE ARE YOU LIVING IN?
AND WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?
THAT YOU'D BE MONO- GAMOUS FOREVER?
Emmett: [ Scoffing ]
THAT IS SO LIKE YOU,
MAKE SOME VILE, HOMOPHOBIC CRACK.
HOMOPHOBIC? Emmett: YES.
THAT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE GAY,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO HAVE A... A LOVING, LOYAL RELATIONSHIP.
NOT BECAUSE WE'RE GAY. BECAUSE WE'RE MEN.
Ted: IT'S NO DIFFERENT FOR STRAIGHT GUYS.
I READ SOMEWHERE THAT SOMETHING LIKE 64% OF THEM
ADMIT THEY'VE BEEN UNFAITHFUL.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH 32% OF THEM.
Others: [ Chuckling ] WHAT, SO, I'M...
I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO LET DAVID DO WHATEVER HE WANTS?
WHOEVER HE WANTS?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ESTABLISH SOME... RULES.
YOU KNOW, DECIDE WHAT'S ACCEPTABLE AND WHAT'S NOT.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT.
WELL THAT'S FINE, THEN YOU CAN MOVE BACK IN HERE.
END IT ALL OVER A... HAND JOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ASKING YOUR ADVICE.
Brian: BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER AND WISER.
Michael: YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Brian: I FUCKING HATE THAT WORD.
Michael: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.
I KNOW HE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH.
AND I'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM CREDIT.
I WAS SURE HE WOULDN'T.
YOU MEAN YOU KNEW?
REMEMBER BACK, LAST NIGHT.
AFTER I LEFT YOU.
WHERE DID I GO?
THE BATHS.
AND WHERE DID HE GO?
OH, SHIT.
DID YOU AND HE...
NO.
AND YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TELL ME?
IF I HAD, YOU'D PROBABLY THINK I WAS TRYING TO BREAK YOU UP.
ANYWAYS, IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS
WHAT GOES ON BETWEEN YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS.
WELL, IF HE COULD DO IT, MAYBE I SHOULD TOO.
THEN DO IT.
ONLY STOP CARRYING ON LIKE SOME BETRAYED LITTLE HOUSEWIFE.
Store clerk: 25 BUCKS.
[ "La Traviata" ?????? ]
HI. I WANT TO GET 15 ON PUMP 2.
HOLD ON, UH...
MY WALLET MUST HAVE FALLEN OUT.
Blake: HEY.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I WENT OUT...
TO GET YOU THIS.
"THAIS".
I ASKED THE GUY AT THE STORE
IF HE KNEW ANOTHER GOOD OPERA ABOUT A SLUT.
THIS IS EXPENSIVE.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS.
I DO. HOW'D YOU PAY FOR IT?
YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CENT.
I GOT A FRIEND OF MINE TO GIVE ME BACK
THE MONEY HE OWED ME.
AND YOU SPENT ALL OF IT ON ME. NOT ALL OF IT.
[ Huffing ] LOOK, YOU CAN KEEP THE CASH.
OKAY? I-I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. JUST...
PLEASE GIVE IT BACK TO ME
SO I DON'T HAVE TO CANCEL ALL MY CARDS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? GIVE WHAT BACK?
GOD, YOU MUST THINK THAT I'M JUST SO PATHETIC.
MY WALLET. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I SWEAR TO YOU,
I DID NOT TAKE IT.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, I BELIEVE YOU.
IT JUST WALKED AWAY ON ITS OWN.
SO IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE IT OUT WALKING AROUND THE STREETS
WOULD YOU PLEASE ASK IT TO COME HOME?
GET OUT OF HERE.
WHERE?
WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU WOULD'VE GONE
IF I HADN'T PICKED YOU UP OFF THAT BATHROOM FLOOR,
TAKEN YOU TO THE HOSPITAL,
AND BROUGHT YOU BACK HERE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES?
YOU KNOW WHAT? KEEP 'EM. I DON'T WANT THEM.
AND HERE,
RETURN THIS FOR THE MONEY "YOUR FRIEND" GAVE YOU.
I ALREADY HAVE IT.
[ Slamming of door ]
HEY!
WHAT AM I, THE INVISIBLE WOMAN?
COME BACK HERE.
I WAS TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.
IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU FIND IN THE GARBAGE, EVEN YOUR OWN.
AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
HUH? LUCKILY I RETRIEVED THEM,
BEFORE THE PATINA OF MY PESTO FROM LAST NIGHT GOT ALL OVER THEM.
I DON'T WANT THEM.
YOU DON'T WANT THEM?
THAT'S WHY I THREW THEM AWAY.
BUT THESE ARE WORKS OF ART.
I MEAN LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE, I MEAN...
YOU COULD FRAME THEM.
THEN YOU KEEP THEM. I'M GIVING IT UP.
HOLD IT.
GET YOUR BUBBLE BUTT BACK HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GIVING IT UP?
JUST WHAT I SAID.
WELL, YOU DON'T JUST GIVE IT UP.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE GIVING UP EATING, OR... OR BREATHING.
I'M STILL INHALING AND EXHALING.
CALL ME WHEN DINNER'S READY.
YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH, SMART ASS.
YOU'RE AN ARTIST. AND YOU GOT A GIFT.
BIG DEAL.
ITISA BIG DEAL.
THAT'S SOMETHING THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU.
WELL, I DIDN'T ASK FOR IT AND I DON'T WANT IT.
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE.
IT'S YOURS, IT'S WHO YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT WHO I AM.
I'M GOING TO DARTMOUTH AND I'M GETTING AN MBA.
THAT'S WHAT MY PARENTS WANT.
WELL ALL DUE RESPECT TO YOUR MOTHER,
WHO'S A VERY LOVELY LADY,
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT THEY WANT?
THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
DEB...
I'VE CAUSED THEM SO MUCH TROUBLE.
THEY'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
HONEY...
JUSTIN.
SUNSHINE, YOU DIDN'T BREAK UP THEIR MARRIAGE.
NO KID HAS THE POWER TO DO THAT.
JUST LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE THE POWER
TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER.
BUT YOU DO HAVE THE POWER TO FUCK UP YOUR OWN LIFE.
SO MAKE SURE YOU THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU DO IT.
HEY.
OH, HI.
I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WEREN'T COMING.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S... IT'S A LITTLE OUT OF THE WAY.
YEAH, WELL I... I THOUGHT WE SHOULD BE ALONE, YOU KNOW...
TALK, GO FOR A WALK.
YEAH, SURE.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU CALLED.
ME NEITHER.
YOU KNOW, AFTER WHAT YOU TOLD ME ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LOVER.
WELL, YEAH. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
THINGS CHANGE.
SO NOW IT'S ALL RIGHT TO MESS AROUND?
LOOK CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?
SURE.
HONEY, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.
I DO, CAN'T YOU TELL?
WHOO-HOO.
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU TOLD THAT THIEVING PIECE OF DRUGGY DISCO TRASH TO GET LOST.
IF THERE WERE A MAGAZINE CALLED "SELF-ESTEEM",
YOU'D BE THE COVER BOY.
YOU'RE THE IMAGE OF DIGNITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU'RE THE IMAGE OF DIGNITY.
[ Blowing raspberries ]
HE WAS PRACTICALLY IN TEARS, EMMETT.
YEAH, BECAUSE HE KNEW YOU'D CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARDS
BEFORE HE HIT THE JACKPOT.
NO, IT SEEMED SINCERE.
PLEASE!
YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE A DESPERATE QUEEN
TO FALL FOR THAT 11:00 O'CLOCK NUMBER.
WHICH YOU'RE NOT.
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIM? WHAT IF...
WHAT IF HE STARTS HUSTLING?
WHAT IF I FOUND OUT THAT HE'D DIED?
I'D HAVE IT ON MY CONSCIENCE THE REST OF MY LIFE.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO TOO MANY OPERAS.
SWEETIE, YOU... YOU OFFERED HIM YOUR HOME, YOUR TRUST.
YOU LITERALLY GAVE HIM THE CLOTHES OFF YOUR BACK.
SOMETHING, BY THE WAY, THAT I WOULD NEVER DO.
AND HOW DID HE REPAY YOU?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO LEARN?
WELL, COME ON. LET'S GO TO BABYLON.
DOZENS OF BEAUTIFUL MEN WILL REJECT YOU,
AND YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST MY WALLET.
[ ?????? ]
SO YOU MIS- JUDGED HIM.
YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU SAID A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS
THAT WEREN'T TRUE, UH...
ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WELL, EVERYONE KNOWS I'M A TERRIBLE JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
YEAH, JUST LOOK AT WHO HE HANGS OUT WITH.
Emmett & Brian: [ Chuckling ]
I GOT TO FIND HIM. APOLOGIZE.
Brian: YOU SHOULD LOOK ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
FUCK YOU!
I SAID I WANT A BEER.
NOT WITHOUT I.D.
WHO DO YOU HAVE TO FUCK TO GET A GODDAMN DRINK AROUND HERE?
ME.
TWO BEERS.
I'M THIRSTY.
TO DARTMOUTH.
AND TO YOUR BRIGHT, SHINING FUTURE
AS PITTSBURGH'S NEW ANDY CARNEGIE.
I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
ONLY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE NEXT ANDY WARHOL.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
AND AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I WENT TO,
TO MAKE YOU THE BEST HOMOSEXUAL I COULD.
[ Snort ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BLOW IT.
AND WITH THE FLIMSIEST EXCUSE.
"I'VE CAUSED MY PARENTS ENOUGH PAIN."
HOW CAN YOU EVEN STAND THERE AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE?
IT'S TRUE. IT'S BULLSHIT.
THEY CAUSE THEIR OWN PAIN.
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING YOU WANT
JUST TO MAKE THEM HAPPY?
THAT IS TOTALLY FUCKED. SHUT UP, BRIAN!
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I KNOW IT'S SCARIER FINDING YOUR OWN WAY
THAN DOING WHAT'S EXPECTED.
I'M NOT SCARED.
YOU'RE FUCKING TERRIFIED.
JUST LIKE THE NIGHT YOU MET ME.
I WAS SURE YOU'D RUN BACK HOME.
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
YOU SAID...
"I'M GOING WITH HIM."
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU REMEMBER THAT.
CONSIDERING YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER MY NAME.
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. MMM.
I TURNED INTO A BIG QUEER.
YEAH, LUCKY FOR YOU.
OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T BE WASTING MY TIME.
BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.
[ ?????? ]
?? SO MANY ADVENTURES COULDN'T HAPPEN TODAY ??
?? SO MANY SONGS WE FORGOT TO PLAY ??
?? SO MANY DREAMS SWINGING OUT OF THE BLUE ??
?? WE LET THEM COME TRUE ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE FOREVER ??
?? FOREVER AND EVER ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE FOREVER ??
?? FOREVER AND EVER ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT... ??
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WELL, YOU COULD'VE CALLED.
I DID. YOUR CELL PHONE WAS OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M REORGA- NIZING CDs.
BEFORE THAT, I DID DVDs.
I DID THE BOOKS, I DID THE MEDICINE CABINET,
I DID THE STEMWARE. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?
OUT.
WITH THE BOYS? AT THE MOVIES?
I WAS WITH SOMEONE.
THERE WAS THIS GUY I... I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT
THAT I MET THE OTHER NIGHT AT BABYLON.
HE GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER.
HE WAS REALLY HOT, AND I WAS ATTRACTED TO HIM.
SO I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HECK? SO I CALLED HIM UP.
YOU DON'T NEED TO GIVE ME ALL THE DETAILS, MICHAEL.
YEAH, I DO.
WE HOOKED UP AND, UH...
WE WENT BACK TO HIS PLACE...
AND WE STARTED FOOLING AROUND...
AND... HE WAS GIVING ME A BLOW JOB...
WHEN I SUDDENLY REALIZED...
I DIDN'T WANT MY DICK IN HIS MOUTH.
SO I TOLD HIM TO STOP.
AND... I LEFT AND I CAME HOME.
WHY?
I-I MEAN...
WHY DID YOU TELL HIM TO STOP?
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
IT WAS JUST SEX.
WITH US, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MORE THAN THAT.